Polyamory

A synonym for "I don't know what I want."

Few things are as popular in the world of sexual experimentation as the term polyamory. A word that emerged in 1990 in California (where else?), it drifted over to Germany in the early 2000s and was quickly and uncritically adopted. Suddenly, terms like “cheater,” “commitment-phobe,” “infidelity,” or “unfaithful” disappeared, and people started parading their so-called sexual openness. Just like in the early anarchist communes of the '70s in Europe and the US, where having only one partner was considered boring and uptight, people started deriving a certain self-worth from collecting pussies or dicks like trophies. Especially in circles that call themselves S-positive, or otherwise define themselves through their sexuality, polyamory is now almost assumed by default. Which is kind of insane, because the same people who have been hurt or will be hurt by this idea still find it strangely appealing.

It’s that damned paradox again, the one you find in so many areas of life. Women or men with a certain sexual charisma seem attractive and seductive. And those who fall for the allure rarely stop to think: the way that person treats their partners, which you can observe from the outside, will also apply to you. There seems to be a fundamental misjudgment of the self. Someone sees a polyamorous person and feels thrilled that they’re being chosen. It’s okay that someone else is being rejected instead. It carries that flavor of being “selected.” The chosen one gets to feel like the hotter bitch or the more impressive fucker. Until the same fate befalls them, and they get swapped out for someone new. And of course, that happens regardless of how much emotion and energy someone has invested in the relationship.

This is the core flaw in the polyamory fantasy: it assumes that everyone who joins the game is equally open and sexually playful. What’s ignored are the possibilities that very real feelings can develop in the midst of these sexual games. Feelings that may look like possessiveness but are operating on an entirely different level. Also ignored is the fact that, in most cases, there’s one party in the game that stands to gain significantly more.

What doesn’t go over well in the polyamory fantasy are real emotions. Commitments. What used to be called “fidelity.” In polyamorous circles, uttering a word like "fidelity" is practically heresy. It reeks too much of marriage and religious dogma. And because polyamory presents itself as modern, it carries the implicit claim of always being right. And that’s where polyamory and its followers are wrong. Just because something is modern doesn’t mean it’s automatically noble and infallible. That’s the mistake: when two hearts merge sexually, much more can happen than just orgasms. Two hearts get to know each other. They make deep discoveries in the other’s being. Trust begins to grow. Sexual merging brings that with it. And once that moment is reached, the game changes. That’s the point when the usual agreements and contracts between the players would have to be renegotiated. And that’s where the stronger player in the game usually makes sure to keep the back door open.
Polyamory is a synonym for “I’m keeping my escape route open.”

My experience has shown that there is always someone who has no interest in forming a deep bond. Not because that person is so incredibly wise, enlightened, or evolved. Quite the opposite. The polyamorous scene, just like the S-positive scene, is a collection point for some extremely broken people. Not all of them just have emotional issues. Many deliberately seek out these spaces in order to play calculated and intentional games. Ruthless games that completely contradict the values this scene likes to claim for itself. Not with tolerance and respect. On the contrary. These scenes attract sexual predators like shit attracts flies.
Forgive the harsh comparison, but it’s urgently necessary to call it what it is: this cheerful, fun-loving scene, where everyone shows off their sexual playfulness and, more recently, replaces black latex and leather with pink and floral patterns, is ice-cold when it comes to matters of the heart. And those who fall through the cracks are, as always, dismissed when they no longer fit. Branded as “not evolved enough” or “not open enough.” Weak losers.

What people like to ignore in sexual spaces is that all sexual games carry risks. And I’m not talking about STDs. I mean emotional injuries. Wounds that no one thinks are possible until they hit, unexpectedly and with full force. And then, very quickly, you’ll realize that polyamory can be a synonym for cold-blooded selfishness. Because few are willing to commit beyond a certain point. Those who fall through the cracks will be surprised to discover that the so-called friends always pick the most convenient side. And that’s always the side that refuses to engage emotionally.

As in most group dynamics, there are also unwritten rules in polyamorous and S-positive circles. "You don't talk about Fight Club!" Everyone knows there are certain things you’re not allowed to bring up. Until the weight of what's been left unsaid becomes so heavy that individuals flee the group. And of course, the group will come up with explanations that won’t touch the group's own dynamics. That’s what groups do: collective excuses, and if in doubt, blame. It’s as banal and inhumane as in any other group dynamic where the bullies decide how things go. But never, ever call the group’s bully a bully! Strictly forbidden! The bullies in polyamorous circles are the ones who benefit the most from the game. In other words, those who manage to hook up with the most sex partners.

Which raises the question: why are lots of sex partners such a big deal?

Simple. Every woman, every man has a different taste, scent, feels different, sounds different, and there’s something insanely alluring about experiencing another being in ecstasy. It really is something that seems to always feel new and never get boring. One reason for that is because the routines that would normally form once people get close to each other are avoided by switching partners before any deeper knowledge or connection develops. Sexuality is one of the most precious gifts in life, and I truly believe it’s important to have a period in life when you try out as many forms of sexual play and partners as possible. I don’t think there’s a specific age for when that has to happen. I believe the only important thing is that a living being experiences it at least once. I call it "sexperimenting." And anyone who sexperiments and does it “right” will discover that sex is dangerous. A game of fire. A high-wire act. A dance at the edge of the abyss. That’s what I strongly criticize in most public sex-positive spaces: they ignore the fact that sex isn’t simply “positive” just because it feels good when emotions rise. Just like the drop after orgasm, there’s a price to pay for the game. There’s always the risk that, in one moment, the energy crashes and turns into a black hole.